master of nothing

Shit.

I have been thinking a lot. More than usual. My poor brains feel like they have been on maximum RPMs for the last several weeks. I am in the beginning phases of a processing cycle, which usually leads to a down or maintenence cycle. I am glad I have a rapidly approaching "vacation" to get my mind out of this holding pattern. Even if only for a few days. The escape from reality is on the horizon and damn do I need it. Even if it is just to find my brightside again as that son of a mother has seemingly gone missing.

I think, too, that this compelling time of overthought has been fueled by the fact that I am in a reading cycle as well. My absorption of literature comes in waves, usually in warmer months with more hours of daylight and bundles LESS of depression (which is also cylical). I have been coming accross oooooodles of things that are striking a chord with me. Things about coincidences, love and life in general and this stuff is REALLY telling me that, guess what? My struggle isn't unique. I am NOT the only one suffering from an immense amount of personal bullshit. Lessons to be learned, how to buck up and be a big girl, how to be a better person. As much as I would LOVE to think that it is really all about me...it isn't. I know this. I HAVE known this, it is just that I just forget sometimes.

Sure there are times for wallowing and for self sorry feeling, but really how long can I let myself feel like this? There is no timeline for grieving and this one might never really get off of the board and that is ok. I don't think it deserves to, funny how such a short period of time can get a WHOLE life chapter, but it was special enough to recieve the honor. It was kind of big, bigger than I wanted to let on just because I was the one trying to keep a level head and keep us calm when things reached "freak out" levels. It has created a new standard of emotion for me. I can't say positively I will ever find it again, but if I do, I understand how rare it is and maybe do somethings a little differently. I keep getting snagged on somethings, however, these snags pull me right back into the whirlpool just when I think I am making some headway. I can easily and VERY quickly spark a memory just by catching a glimpse of something, hearing three bars of a song, reading or hearing a combination of words together, simple types of things. It is both painful AND beautiful. Needs and Wants and Haves and Have Nots. It is hard to not have that trust anymore. For me it was 100%, no bullshit. It is the way it should be all the time and I have gotten rid of a lot of my bullshit filters to thin veils now. I can't seem to get over the hurdle of taking the easier route to water it down a bit just to avoid the judgement. People can be nasty and as easy as it is to say "fuck 'em all", it's also just as easy to soften it a little. Work in progress. I don't know that I am ready to imagine the day when I don't think about it, miss it or even want it back, but I am getting just a bit further each go round.

I am trying to let it just be exactly what it was even though I desperately want to know why, I have begun to settle on the idea that I may never know why nothing ever came to fruition.

I admittedly have my flaws. I have been hurt. I have my baggage. This is how I have come to be this version of me. I have been trying to put the shine back on and "clean up" the mess that has been left behind, but even just in saying that, I instinctually respond with, "but it's just another piece to who you are". I don't have to clean it up. Yes, I may collect myself and not let on that 98% of the day I would rather be a) in my bed with the covers over my head or b) plotting how to fix this thing again (guess secret is out now). I am redirecting my focus to not hover over something that I have been directed to "just let die". Which, on a side note, originally and STILL does make me uneasy. I don't like it being referred to something that has the personificatiton of life or death. It gives me a feeling most easily described as "icky". I wish I could explain this to myself. It could be the permanence of death. The final act. Hold on, I think I just explained it to myself.

These big risks I took had the potential to earn big rewards, but also to create big crashes and cause a lot of damage. I would only change a few things which, I might add, would dramatically effect the outcome. I set out originally to not talk about this whole endeavor and did anyway. Apparently, I needed to get some of these things out of my head and onto or into something else.