Dear Mr. Kerouac,

... I came to a point where I needed solitude and just stop the machine of 'thinking' and 'enjoying' what they call 'living,' I just wanted to lie in the grass and look at the clouds -
They say, too, in ancient scripture: - 'Wisdom can only be obtained from the viewpoint of solitude.'

A long series of missteps, u-turns, back peddles, oh nos is leading me back to a place that consists of just me. It is kind of always the way that it has been. I took a long hard look at myself and what got me here, right up to this point of I don't want anything to do with or from anyone. Talk about being humbled. Looking at everything I have done and am doing with a critical enough eye to ascertain that what I am doing is NOT the proper thing for me and it is proving to be rather brutal and challenging. Self assessment is something I firmly believe that more people should do. To honestly look at oneself can reveal things that I don't want to see, but feel is a must for progression at this point.

How did this all happen? How did I get so FAR away from everything that I really identify with in search of something much less satisfying, gratifying, fulfilling? Honestly, it was the failed launch of a cover-up. I scrambled to find a fast solution to a long term problem. I found that the truth is there is no band aid. Every wound needs its own air to breathe, not more subsequent wounds. Seems kinda like a no brainer, but in a pinch I wanted to fill a HUGE void and was looking for validation that it REALLY wasn't me. I wanted anything in place of this so I looked for, found and accepted anything, literally any. thing. It led to my own demoralization and subsequent self humiliation. It's harsh, but it is what it is. My own worst critic. This isn't a terrible thing though. I am the only one who has the motivation and power to make my own life, this existence a better one. SO, what the fuck am I waiting for?

I need a reset point. I need to get out of town on my own, probably to a yoga retreat somewhere and just have 2 maybe 3 days on my own. Not do much talking and see what comes up. I need to accept the catalyst that started this whole downward spiral. I can either commit myself to its acceptance as it is and no longer deny that I have been and want to make moves that hopefully result in the eventual fruition or I will continue to deny the authenticity and the fact that it will never be. Either way this catalyst is going to continue to make me a better person. Not many things in this life can hold that claim.

So can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry.