It has been 32 years since my last confession....

I am adopted.

The story goes something like this...My mom had my sister, complications ensued she had to have a c-section, more complications which led to her getting a septic infection in the hospital that required a full hysterectomy thus taking from her the ability to have more children the "old fashioned way". My parents wanted one more so they signed up with adoption agencies and got on the appropriate waiting lists and did just that, waited. Fast forward oh, about 10-ish years or so, the family doctor (now this is the 70's, specialists didn't much exist back then, they did EVERYTHING) propositions my parents with the idea of a private adoption with a mutual patient. My bios were very young, think Teen Mom young and upon meeting the Hallgren's agreed to proceed having the Hallgren's pay for the medical expenses in exchange for moi. Now, I sound rather flippant about the whole thing and it is because I am. I didn't really have much say in the process so, I am in a position of being ok with it in a sense that there isn't much that I can do about it now.

I think I was in 8th or 9th grade when my mom told me. I didn't have much reaction then much like I don't have much reaction now. I don't think it is a big deal at all. The Hallgren's as far as I am concerned conceived and gave birth to me, no other people exist in my creation. I didn't have much question about the whole thing until recently (last 5 years or so) when people would ask me about it and my only answer would be "I don't know". So, I asked to satiate my own curiosity and have enough answers to make me feel comfortable. I asked about the process and I asked about my heritage (Polish and Italian). That is it. I really don't want to know any more nor do I need to know any more.

I am now at the stage of my life where I'm starting to do adult type things like being accountable for EVERYTHING that I do. Not just what is convenient or will make me seem like a good person, it's the good and the bad. Learning and moving forward. I can't give sole credit to someone for spurring this on, but he was the sharp catalyst that made me take a hard look at myself and work through what I have been dealing with since I was born. I never could explain my insecurities which reared their ugly heads in the form of jealousy, anger, a constant need for control and fear of abandonment. I am not a psychologist, but I do know how I feel about these particular things and it's not easy to talk myself off of the ledge when I start worrying or wondering. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to hide myself away in my monsters. Even though it's a challenge it feels even better not to be enslaved by something I can have some say over. When I choose not to be jealous, even when the loop starts to play in my head I can catch it in time before the real downward spiral starts, hit stop and go back to the beginning, walk myself through my fear and dissipate it, I feel what I can describe as powerful, but dang...I can sabotage myself something fierce if it gets out of control.

See, I have this tendency and other people might do it too, but I have a real knack at making everything about ME. Why did they do that? Must have been something I did. Why is Nebraska in debt? I bet I did something. How come this situation didn't work out the way I wanted it to? I did it. See? me, me, me. It's not being self-centered as much as it is about NOT seeing the bigger picture. It is about not taking everything so personally and realizing that everyone is in the shit, it's about dealing with MY shit and not taking anyone else with me.

This self discovery path happened rather quickly, it was one day realizing that my issues were a result of something out of my control, but I subconsciously victimized myself with these issues. I have used sarcasm and "toughness" to keep people away from me for reasons that are so flimsy they are nearly invisible. I've struggled through my whole life to find someplace where I fit in, where I really feel like I belong. I almost view social groups as a sampler platter. There are a few people who have been in my life for 20 years plus, but not many. I see things I don't agree with and begin to distance myself. I lived the majority of my life until this last year began practically hanging myself to feel included in something, no matter what it was. Then my closest friend at the time, changed gears and cut me out of her life. I took this as life literally kicking me in the ass and holding up a big sign saying, "HEY HALLGREN! IT'S YOUR LIFE! YOU BEEN FUCKING AROUND TOO LONG! STOP IT!!" I've changed my approach a bit. I spend more time in my house now than anywhere else that isn't my office. The yoga studio is second, but even in that regard I don't push myself to go. I couldn't be more thankful for that sanctuary, but it is just that. I burned myself out on the last venture and as appreciative as I am for being afforded the opportunities that I received there, I am more grateful to be able to focus on my practice more as it's blindingly clear how much I need it right now.

BUT, I digress. Back to the lessons here, I discover I have these little monkies on my back, I get a snippet of similarity from someone else and all of the sudden I am a miracle worker, get my lil behind on the path to forgiveness for my bios BOOM! healed. uh. Not so fast, Jilly Beans. I made an off color comment to a friend one night who raised her daughter on her own, what I said brought this woman to tears, like instantly. Ok, maybe this isn't easy. I need to stop being so fucking flippant about everything. Take it seriously, Jill! Since that night, I've had in the back of my mind, but never REALLY knew how difficult something like giving up a child could be. Either way the coin is tossed, it's a hard decision. A decision that was made in my best interest which could be a subconscious reason why I have to have control, I am not sure yet, but either way. I didn't really get it until yesterday. Home with the second day of a headache, I spent all of my day in bed napping off and on watching MTV's run of True Life. It started with a where are they now episode and then a top 5 episode. The top emotional moment was a mom who allowed the True Life cameras to follow her through her last month of pregnancy until she gave the baby up for adoption. The producers talked about how gut wrenching it was to watch, the most emotional moment of the show's 200 episode history. Watching this mother with her newborn baby, watching the faces of the nervous adoptive parents who want this little man so much, but you could clearly read the fear on their faces watching her go through this process and recognize the potential of her changing her mind. Holy moly. I was sobbing and it was the kind that you are soooo glad no one else is around cause that clear cry snot is all down your face and your eyes are puffed up so much they are barely open and you can only breathe through your mouth which is emitting a staccato type sound intelligible to only whales. I won't ever know if that is what it was like when my bio gave me to my mom and I don't think I want to know how it was, the point is moot at this juncture. This goes back to my thing with making everything about me. I was under the impression that I was such a freak because my bios didn't want me when really it is the polar opposite. These people loved me so much that they gave me an opportunity for a life that they felt they wouldn't be able to give me. I don't think there is a fair amount of gratitude for that gift.

Back to the struggling to fit in thing, a recent trip with my father really sent me a clear message of understanding that I am in the perfect place. I am my father's daughter in SO many ways. My mother and my sister are clearly sympatico so, that night in Mexico as I sat finishing my billionth margarita for the day listening to the waves smash against the beach this revelation landed on me and I found my place where I fit in. I was already there and I have been, my whole life. There were a series of small confirmations along the way, but I distinctly remember when I realized it. All of the time I spent looking for my place when I was already in it.

Now comes the real test, can I continue to live from this place of honesty? I am sure I will have my foibles, it's to be expected, but the time of seeking has passed for this moment.