I have, like most humans, have been on a track for most of my adulthood to find the one person who suits me best. As I have gotten older my ideals have changed, situations have transformed and it has grown away from tradition in every sense. I am not a traditional girl by any sense, except for my desire to have a person to share my life and love. I hold a strong belief that humans are not solitary creatures. I believe we are meant to spend our lives in communities and partnerships.
I have made some rather questionable choices about men in hindsight, but I wouldn't change a thing about them as they have all taught me one thing or another. Every one of them was a forward step from the last and for that I can be grateful that I was allowed to grow in the way I have due to my experiences with them.
I have spent so many hours on my yoga mat setting my intention for love, bursting open my heart chakra to attract this love I've been seeking. I Feng Shui'd my house to attract this love. I created manifestation rituals to attract this love. In my mind, this was something I really was pleading with the Universe to provide. Then I sort of let it go and exactly as cued, there he was. He is SO beautiful inside and out and absolutely perfect as he is, with and especially because of all of his messiness. His compliment to me is unmatched. So, dust my hands what is the next goal! Not so fast...
The last two months with him have taught me SO many things. I'll mention the big ones, the list can go for a while. The first, ALWAYS listen to my heart. When I feel pulled in a particular direction I need to listen to the one thing I've worked so much at awakening. Second, NEVER skimp on honesty, especially when it is painful to do. I have shared so many things to him and he to me. It has transformed the way we relate to one another, strengthened our bond and built a unique trust that is based around knowing that I could tell him anything and he would not judge me. Third, stop planning and enjoy the now. I talk mad about being present, but practicing being present is soooo challenging. It is so difficult for me to not look forward to what is coming up next or wondering how it is going to turn out. I believe in fate and destiny so, it's about time I start walking the talk. The biggest bombshell though, I am afraid of love. wait...WHAT?!?!? This is the real deal I am talking about, the stuff EVERYONE wants. The magic between two people that is so present it's palpable. The Universe has been sending me messages, clips of movies where i only hear one fragment of dialog, e-mails, song clips so on and so on. And the message is all the same, "don't be afraid to be in love". It's what compelled me to write this particular entry.
I am one hell of a self sabotager. In fact, in several occasions, I've let myself into my minefield and hit a few plungers caused some small explosions and he's stuck around. Not to say I have been testing him, this has all been done subconsciously. Not letting him get too close or chasing him away. In the past, this would have worked as my ego intended leaving me on the otherside of the fence wondering what in the hell happened. Well, Jill darling, you happened. I have been noticing A LOT lately in fact because he's getting close to being gone for a while and I'm not lying when I say I am inches away from totally going off the rails. I am SO lucky some of my best friends in this world will be here shortly after and god damn am I going to need them. My mind, though, is going every which way. I am talking just making shit up to cause problems. now we do have our issues, but we usually talk about them like adults and it gets handled. I am TERRIFIED of a million different things that I can't control. I want this man around for a long time, in fact the longer the better, but that's not guaranteed to me. So, why not just freak out about everything and then I don't have anything left to be afraid of because he will be gone. So NOT awesome. I was just a few days ago looking down the barrel of a loaded gun, ready to run in to my mine field and just hit plungers, blow that shit straight up. Now, while the gate to the field is still in my vision, I am backing away from it and the gun is still in my hand, but I am getting the feeling I am not going to be using it.
Tighter Please
11 years ago
I totally know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Down to the very last word. I myself am a self sabotager, and I have watched myself do things, or say things, KNOWING that the only reason I am doing it, is because I am scared. NOT to love, or be loved- no, that is what I want! I am afraid to LOSE that love. I am afraid that I will fall too hard, get too close, and in the end, my feelings will not be reciprocated, or that my partner will find someone "better than me". This obviously has nothing to do with my lack of desire, or inability to love someone else, but with my lack of desire and inability to love MY SELF. In the end, I have to remember that I am WORTHY of receiving love, and when I find the right guy (and I have) he will be aware of my worthiness, and will honor me.
ReplyDeleteI have done all of the things you mentioned above: setting intention and openness to love; reciting affirmations in receiving love; lighting candles or carrying stones for attracting love; I even asked my friends about potential singles they knew of. The point is- I was searching outside of ME for that love. I was searching for someone to give me something I wasn't willing to give to myself (now how fair is that!?)
It all became clear to me when I heard my friend and mentor SARK speak of her definition of succulence: "We are meant to fill ourselves up first- from the inside. We are like succulent plants. A succulent gathers water and nourishment from the environment and feeds itself to itself- from the inside. This allows us to be self-sustaining." She went on to say that "we can fill ourselves up, and then share the overflow."
A suggestion I might make to you, to the world, and most definitely to myself, is to put that amount of focus and intention into filing our own cup of self love. If you ever feel like you might be projecting negativity onto your relationship, go inside yourself, and see where it might stem from. For me, it always comes from my feelings of unworthiness. When that happens, I try to focus on healing that part of me, loving it, holding it, and letting it soften.
I also recommend waiting 24 hours before reacting to something that upsets you. I find that if I wait, rather than react immediately, I am far less likely to lose my shit over something that might not be what it seems, and avoid ugly messes.
All of that said:
YOU ARE AWESOME, AND TOTALLY WORTHY AND CAPABLE OF LOVE. From both inside and out. If you haven't read it yet, you should check out Sarks new book Glad No Matter What. SO GOOD.
Thank you for relating! There is something to be said about knowing that someone is going through the same things that you are!
ReplyDeleteCheers to living this crazy life!