Ebb and Flow

About six months ago, I began what has proven to be a battle of epic proportions with a little guy called surrender. When I say it has been epic, I am not exaggerating. The end of one of my life's chapters brought about MASSIVE commitments on my behalf to NEVER again be something I didn't want to be. If I wanted something I would get it, if I wanted to do something I would do it. I would never make the choice to hide ANYTHING about me good or bad. I am what I am and the sooner that is, the better I will be for it.

As part of this "transformation", I realized I have a constant need to be in control. I don't typically like to follow. In fact, my desire to be head of the pack morphed from bland assertiveness to aggressive controlling. I think this deevolution of myself was the proverbial "break down to make you stronger" thing that people talk about. Hindsight. As my life progresses, I have become more accutely aware of how my blatant muscling my way through a situation was rather disingenuious as it wasn't a reflection of my accomplishment, but rather how many people I bowled over in my conquest.

I can't take the credit for coming up with this idea on my own, though. I have spent a good chunk of the last 4-ish years of my life on a yoga mat doing things that may seem inhuman to an outsider both to and with my body. Yoga for me though started as a relief from physical pain, but rather rapidly transformed into something much, much bigger than that. So much so that after only 2 years of regular practice, I felt SO compelled that I became a teacher. The reciever became the giver. My teachers are all so very amazing on a consistent basis that I can't pinpoint when it occurred to me exactly, but this new era was initialized by the conclusion of the aforementioned chapter ending. I began to see that I DON'T have to be in the driver's seat at all times and sometimes you have to find that softness, the fluidity in the nature of what you are dealing with and allow the course to run. Yes, you have choices to make and those choices effect the outcome, but the rigidity and forcefulness of doing something with the expectation of a particular result defeats the purpose. This for me is akin to the wave on the beach (another one of my favorite yoga-isms). At times I am solid and dry and others, I am totally under water. The struggle, how much or little, is my decision BUT giving in isn't weakness as I previously thought. Surrendering and sort of watching the development IS the experience and a gigantic part of what I have been missing.

This newfound discovery of surrender also effects my skills as a planner. In this venture to stay soft, allow for the experience I have also had to mute making plans, looking to the future and saying this has to happen by x date. What happens when it doesn't quite come through? I am disappointed and I have found I don't do disappointment well. It's like a babydoll dress on my frame, not a good look.

Moral of the story? Just let it be. What I get is what I need no sooner and no later, no matter how much a son-of-a-bitch it is realizing it.